Thursday, October 28, 2010

Rainy day ☂

Yesterday was a good day, no dizziness in sight.
Today, this morning as it still happens to be, same. The strange unsettling feeling is no longer with me. I am free to just be for once. I've been up since 6am and feel sleepy as you normally would knowing that any minute the alarm is about to go off.
I get up and go weigh-121 still (sighs heavily). I'm Plateaued or "maintaining."
I need to get this metabolism going, in another safer way, I'm just starting to feel good and don't want to have to resort to a laxative binge this weekend. I go ahead and put the water to boil for tea while I brush my teeth. The soreness from my gums has subsided, yesterday's Chew n spit session left me in agony. I have to watch out with that ritual it is addictive and nothing good can come out of it. Hope to be rid of that. I'm brushing my teeth now and do something odd, I actually look at the back of the toothpaste tube for the calorie bar.
I catch myself doing this and laugh quietly, I shake my head in disbelief. This happens a lot to me, sometimes I don't even realize I've done it until its pointed out to me.
On grocery day I now take up to 2hrs, before I would be in and out of the store. Now as it happens my delay is due to all of the label reading. I don't even check prices of things anymore, just how many calories there are. It drives my husband insane, he doesn't get it.
"It says zero fat, just grab that." he says completely clueless. I hate shopping with him, food or otherwise.
Now on that day I sneak off to the market alone and take my sweet time.
The hot water is ready and I get the tea bags for steeping. Breakfast is a good way to get the metabolism going, that's why they tell you it's the most important meal of the day. Break from the hours of sleep you've just come out of. Jump start the metabolism if you will. I haven't actually digested a breakfast in months. I decided to do this in baby steps, maybe work my way up if I can pull it off. A protein shake in the blender and a pot of coffee. I'm not a coffee enthusiast, a cup here and there, but never religiously. I don't have a fix for it, no Starbucks card in my wallet.
Today I'll have some black coffee and a cigarette. I feel like one suddenly.
I know all this may not constitute as an actual breakfast per say, but baby steps.
My daughter is awake now and its time for school, today is Jean's Day, no uniform. The black coffee is sprinkled with cinnamon and splenda, its not so bad.
Outside the rain is coming down, my kind of day. My daughter enjoys the rain too, mostly the puddles she tries to splash in when I'm not looking.
I feel calm and have no cravings. My husband goes back to work today, later on will be the challenge of will power, my inner struggle to not be bent over the toilet bowl.
Now back home from from the quick ride to school and I'm downing the supps and tea. Now I can have my cigarette..

I'm thinking about the lax that's hidden in the fridge. I hate that I want it, its not a real loss, and it will only deplete me again, the dizziness will be back. I try to put it out of my mind and look out the balcony at the rain to steady me.

My chest doesn't hurt as much today, I think the hot water I let saturate my shoulder helped some. The strained muscle is at ease. Online now and a good friend of mines has not signed in yet?
She was having a bad day yesterday, I send her a message and hope she's okay. Sometimes you want to give up and be normal but its not so easy anymore, once this thing has touched your life it will have its way with you. To even recover from this is dangerous. The heart and body being starved of nutrients won't take the overload of eating again. Recovery may kill you. Too much strain on the heart and you can actually have a heart attack suddenly. We play with fire. Prometheus was wrong to give us the power.
I don't know how to eat breakfast anymore?
What do you eat and how can you talk yourself into thinking its OK?
Nothing feels safe for me, I'm just getting used to water of all things again. I worry about calories and inhaling the scents of food, touching certain foods, can it seep into your skin? Such silly worries to persons who have no idea, real fears for me and others like me.
I'm getting obsessed with exercise too. Last night on the way to the bathroom around 2am, after everyone was asleep I found myself suddenly on the carpet in the dark, cold room doing a set of crunches. I slept afterwards like nothing. Even now I feel like I should be doing something. I feel like no one I know goes through this, I feel like a weirdo. It makes me sad, then again it makes me appreciate the isolation. You can't behave this way and think the outside world will embrace you. They call your Ed "diet", they turn a blind eye on the tell tale signs right in front of them. Its no wonder persons panic when you're suddenly on the brink of hospitalization.
There's a quote that I love that goes..
"You have to look at behaviour. Not everyone knows how to ask for help."
This is true not only for Ed's but in general.
I have no idea what the rest of the day will hold for me. I know there's homework and housework to do, a book that I want to finish reading and a DVR full of shows that I haven't watched in a week. I don't even watch much TV anymore. There a lot of things I've stopped doing. I'm sure the workout will be squeezed in there somewhere for the most part. I wonder if the weight sticking around is actual muscle?
I've been doing a lot of toning lately.
My arms are my favorite, I like to see the definition now. Sure they're not huge guns, and I won't be in any body building competitions anytime soon, but I can sure open that pesky pickle jar lid easy hehehe.

I hope I'm able to not cave today. Would be nice to take a break from that, I feel like a robot.
I think I'll go back to bed for a little bit. Its too early to start worrying about Mia.


Anonymous said...

<3 Don't feel like you're too isolated. I know it's not much, but it's all I have, to say; I understand, a lot of what you say.
I know I'm young, I've been told before. But I feel a hundred years old.
And, I know. I know what it's like, to feel different.
I'm so scared, of Lonely.
I'm here, with you. x

lou said...

@Bella thanks for the lovely comment.
Thanks for reading..

EvaPuedeVolar said...

You know, when I'm fasting I don't really feel like I have an eating disorder. I mean, I know any shrink would disagree. But I only consider the binging/purging as part of my disorder.

Purging is so hard on my body. Every time I do it. As soon as I start eating until hours after I've thrown up I feel so unhealthy. It's scary sometimes. Especially not being able to control it.

Good luck trying to control yours.

Oh, and for breakfast, I like to eat an egg, that is when I'm actually eating. I swear eggs are the perfect food. Complete protein, 80 calories, lots of vitamins and nutrients, cheap. And you'll stay full a lot longer with an egg than a lot of other breakfast foods.

<3 Eva

lou said...

@<Eva the egg is a good idea. I'll try to try that for breakfast, when I finally decide to eat.
Yeah the b/p is bad, trying to stop that.

Isobel said...

Hey love, well, I started going to a free weekly class near me and that's what I do now. It's amazing. I love it. If you want to start I'd look for a class near you or buy a beginners DVD?

bonesarepure said...

c i hate rain mayb cause it rains to much here an dim sick of it
um breakfast wise i have fruit well not recnelty cause i cant keep nething down except soup but normally ihave fruit or oatmeal for breakfast

Mich said...

Those photos are beautiful. I love the one with the raindrops. <3
Men just shouldn't be allowed in the supermarket. They're worse than children, sometimes!