Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Chew & Spit

So no dizziness at all today, I 'm very pleased. I was able to be out and about all day running errands without once having to hold on to something or sit for a minute. I was very grateful for that, I had a lot to do today.
Last night after I ran out of things to do, in an attempt to fight the cravings I did a Chew and Spit session. Apples and cinnamon it was, in my old cup that I keep hidden under the kitchen sink in case of emergencies.
It worked, kept Mia at bay and I was able to sleep after my shower. In the morning the weight hasn't budged. 121 is starting to piss me off. Dare I say I'm maintaining?
I like that word better that Plateau, let's run with that for now. Took supps & OEP with a protein shake infused with more cinnamon and plenty of water. It feels nice to be able to walk and not feel like you're going to pass out at any second.
My daughter dropped off and I'm full of energy. Workout and hear the nagging of Mia in the background. Can't b/p today my husband is off.
Decide to indulge in c/s again. This time soup and apples, bread sticks too. My cup runneth over!
I figure maybe if I allow myself to digest this, my metabolism could get started again? Its not that many calories really who knows?
That was the plan, was..
After five minutes, it came back up all on its own. I had to fake a shower and purge.
The full feeling was too much, I couldn't keep it down. So now we've started.
I'm pissed and irritable and decided to do crunches and squats anything to keep the thing from continuing.
After twenty minutes of this my husband wakes up and gets ready to go out, lots to do today. I expect now for the dizziness to arrive, but no still safe.
The school is having a Fall Festival on Friday. My daughter has to dress up in costume that day and has a book project due. Well its no ordinary book report I'm afraid, the book has to be based on her costume of all things. Problem! My daughter's original costume is the killer from "Scream." My daughter's a bit of a tomboy like her mom I'm afraid, so she picks out the most random of things at times. What book can I possibly find on this particular costume? The only thing I can think of is the book companion to the movie itself. She's in Kindergarten so I think its a bit much.
Now I have to buy another costume, great. We finally found something that works, Scooby Doo and a book about that mutt too. School costume all picked out and scary actual costume ready for Halloween.

Task one done. Now comes the candy, lots of candy that I have to donate to her school for the festival. In the huge, cold store now and headed to the aisle of sugary indulgence I am craving big time. I start to imagine all the fun I can have with a bag of lemon heads and gummy worms. This is not the best place for me to be right now. I grab the first things I lay my hands on in an attempt to hurry up and leave this aisle.
"Should we get a bag of candy for us?" my husbands asks eyeing the caramel cubes that get stuck in your teeth. I tell him no.
I can't have that temptation in the house. He looks disappointed and grabs a small bag of coffee candy for him instead. I don't like those, good call.

Did I go overboard?
Now we're out of that dreaded aisle and headed for the final stop, produce.
Pumpkins to be exact, time to rack up on some for carving and others for Fall Festival donating.

My husband wants to linger around the store and I just really want to go. The craving is gnawing at me and I hate it. I know in a minute or so I'm going to get snappy. He starts to make small talk in the checkout line. I bring up Thanksgiving, he gets offended of course that I wouldn't want to spend the holiday with him. He wants to tag along. My brother and him are estranged, its an awkward sort of thing. They are civil with each other but you can taste the tension in the air. I don't want to be a party to that. My sister is also civil with him for my daughter's sake of course. It would be a triggering day for me already without the added stress. So its decided that I'm not going. There will be other holidays.
My husband has another errand to run after we've picked up my daughter from school, I don't particularly want to go, I want to stay home and get this out of my system. I'm dropped off under the pretense that I have a headache. Upstairs and in a limited open window of 20 minutes max I'm undecided. I start to really think about what is it I'm trying to do exactly. Do I really want to go through the long ritual and then heave till the tears from my eyes stream down my face on their own accord?
Chew and spit again I'm afraid, this time I down the plate of pasta with a protein shake. When its done I go purge whatever is in me.
I'm done now and feel no better. I will always feel unsatisfied I'm afraid.
My chest stings from the strain and my teeth hurt. My throat is dry and the gashes on my knuckles have opened again, pink and swollen.
I'm thinking about the 121 and the fact that I'm stuck. I have two lax hidden away and ready for me. I honestly feel like I want to take them. I shouldn't. I'm trying to be good and cut back, but it feels like this dam weight won't budge.
I need something to jump this lazy metabo of mines. I'm running out of ideas.


Almost.Skinny said...

I hope the no dizziness sticks around! be careful with c&s... I got addicted earlier this year, it killed my mouth, glands and stopping was really hard! Exercise might help your weight maintenance? or increased water intake, or changing your food routine- you know eating at different times, different amounts, eating more raw veg always goes well for me- you could try that?
Good Luck! xxx

Anonymous said...

Ohmygosh your daughter is going to look so fricken cute. I want that outfit!

I hope you feel better soon, cravings are horrid things. Ugh, I hate purging, hate it hate it hate it, but I did it earlier today.
I understand what you mean, about hating the full feeling in your stomach... I just can't deal with it.

Keep well lovely, keep safe.


Anonymous said...

such a cute costume, your daughter's going to look adorable!

EmptyShell said...

awww, thats a super cute costume!