Sunday, October 17, 2010


                                                                                      Mood:LaLa Land
At six am I wake from the long night with the lax and thought no more.
My head was spinning and I was too sleepy to function.
I didn't bother getting on the scale, its too early for a meltdown. I figured I would be on my back for most of the day, too lightheaded to move about, but that wasn't the case, the ill feeling lasted some of the morning and then vanished.
I got out of bed and nothing, no dizziness today?
I go weigh and unfortunately I'm stuck at 125-Boo!
Take supps and water pills. I'm taking an OEP later to help give me a boost. As the day progresses there is an odd sensation that replaces the usual dragging that occurs right about now.
Euphoria? I feel like I'm about to get dizzy, but instead of the black advancing around me and muting everything, a dreamlike quality takes hold. I feel stoned almost?
I have energy, so much energy that laundry is being done and this little homestead of mine is being cleaned to an immaculate condition. I take the OEP now to keep it going. I make my tea today for later, I'm still a little unsure about liquids today, I'm thirsty but that won't be enough for me. We'll see what happens.
Its 80 degrees outside and all my windows are open, the cold feeling has left me momentarily. I can actually enjoy the fall weather finally. Instead of a sweater and thigh high socks, I'm walking around the apartment in a small white slip that hugs my smaller frame perfectly.
I'm on an overdose of Endorphins. I feel good and out of place all at the same time. I'm bouncing every which way and the sounds and smells around me are vivid, Its like I've been awakened from a long slumber, just now, this very second. Somewhere between the laundry and scrubbing the cursed throne I was asked what will I be making for dinner today?
I draw a blank?
Food? I can't even picture what it looks like at this time, I just shake my head sideways and I'm given a raised eyebrow in suspicion.
"I don't know what to cook, I don't know?" I keep repeating.
I think I'm scaring my husband, he stares at me as if I've taken something. I catch him eyeing my vast collection of pills I have accumulating on the bathroom counter. He suggests we go to the market and see what is there to buy for today's meal.
In the aisles of the store I stare at everything, marvel in the many choices, but still am undecided. The little red basket sits on my toned arm and I continue my aimless walk around the entire little store.
My daughter suggests hot dogs and baked potatoes. Crisis adverted.
The feeling keeps coming to me in waves, I keep waiting for the dizzy spell that never comes, the darkness is not here. Hmm.
Finally everything is chosen, I grab what I need unconsciously I now realize.
Orange juice and two laxatives. Ah.
Out the corner of my eye I see my husband make a startled face, he's uncomfortable. He's starting to suspect something, the pieces are clicking loudly here, but he says nothing and so I raise my head up and look away and we both ignore the pink elephant in the room. In the checkout line I'm still on this strange high, taking in the little crowded stores fragrance, the fresh fruit, the musky cologne from the tall man behind me, and the little old lady who bags the groceries, she smells like gardenias.
I am wearing a black tank with spaghetti straps that fall of my bony shoulder, my strap is down and my husband who is standing in between the man and me, raises the fallen fabric and sets in back in place, I turn my head back and give him a crooked smile in thanks. His finger lingers and my shoulder blade and he traces the end of my portruding clavical, he sees. I adjust my body so he is no longer touching me. I feel ackward and sad for him. He has no idea who I've become, I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining what is happening to me. We are strangers now.
My life is strange.
At home now and husband is off to work, a kiss goodbye and I am alone again.
Everything is put away and I start to reflect and feel sad. I am empty inside in every way of the word that is possible. No Mia so far and no loss.
Two lax in the fridge and I've said I will cut back on them. I'm keeping busy to avoid the ritual. Looks like it might rain, good, something to cheer me up.
 Its a good day for more reading, feels like a day for one of my favorite painters ever-Frida Kahlo, I enjoy her diary very much. That's what I will read again, I feel like some of her paintings today..

"Without Hope" (Sin Esperanza) 1945
Frida Kahlo
I wonder if this euphoria will last all day or week even? I don't mind feeling this, everything else I can do perfectly without.
Day six with Ana is surpressed hunger and repressed feelings. The mind is glazed over with foreign feelings. No food here today, not even water...


Anonymous said...

your side bar says you've lose 87 pounds so far?! what the fuck!? that's amazing.

lou said...

@jd yep since March 2010..