Friday, October 22, 2010

Days without Incident...0

Today I let Mia back in my life thinking I could control her, fool.
The plateau has been too much already. My body is not used to the starvation, my body is tired. A small b/p, so I thought.
Ran my errands this morning and had half an hour to myself to begin the ritual. A small binge, that was the plan and I succeeded, got full so fast. 10 days of starving has shrunk my stomach.
Time to purge...and purge, and still purge?
What is happening here? no!
Backfire. Looks like shrinking happened to more than one organ. Its not all out, its the hardest purge in all my months with this. I go at it again and again, my fingers go deeper and further down my throat. Scrapes on my knuckles and my teeth bite down. My long nails cut at flesh and still its so hard.
After every purge I go weigh, the added weight is going down and I'm almost there. Now the final purge is the most difficult and I know I'm cutting close the time, any second my husband will be walking through that door and it will be too late. This is the loudest purge also, I'm usually quiet and thorough, business as usual.
This is not happening! I have to stop, I can sense my husband and I weigh. No good, its still there, barely but yes its not all out.
A few seconds later, my husband walks through the door. I had seconds to spare to clean the cursed toilet bowl and splash water on my face.
Husband walks in cheery as usual. I sit and greet him. He's done the laundry and now begins the slow process of putting it all away while I fume over the failure. My head is throbbing and my already dehydrated body begins to tremble, my heart is racing, pounding like a drum. My stomach is sore and cramped, I've pulled something.
I have to get it all out but it refuses to come back up? Looks like esophagus trouble, not good.
Can't worry about that now, have to get this out. I internally have a meltdown.
 My eyes get glossy and I swallow the lump in my throat. I don't want to freak out my husband. I have to keep up the pretending, happy happy joy joy!
I'm good at the internal breakdown, its a beautiful thing if you can do it. You cry and are enraged and battle it out all without showing a single ounce of emotion on your face. I've been doing it for years, its down to a science. My husband chats away in the background while I start to think of the ways to get this out.
Alkaseltzer, soda and ice cream...
I quickly get dressed and run off to the corner store to get the supplies. The quick walk is painful, my stomach is throbbing as if it had a heart of its own. Vanilla ice cream and diet soda. No alkaseltzer today, all out. Its fine I can work with just the two.
Now back at home and I scarf down half of the soft, vanilla ice cream and down a two large cups of diet soda. My stomach fills again in protest.
I think I'm ready to try this again. I need to purge but my husband is here, this time I can't worry about what he'll hear. As I'm getting up to go to the bathroom and fake a shower, my husband begins to put his shoes back on, he's leaving?
Where is he going?
"I'm going to the store, we're out of milk and eggs for breakfast tomorrow. Oh and I'll pick up the baby from school while I'm out too. Do you want anything from the store?" he says bending down tying his shoelaces.
How convenient.
Yeah could you buy ice cream, I have a sudden craving for it..
And with that he is gone and I can purge as loud and as long as I want.
So its done, I weigh and everything is safely out.
I sit on the couch and I'm exhausted. My chest aches in agony from the heaving.
I'm free, the chemicals in my brain scramble and its euphoric.
My throat is dry, sore, red.
I have two lax in my fridge for tonight. Managed to get everything done this morning, I have my protein shake as promised sitting on my kitchen counter.
Mia is making me pay dearly for turning my back on her, she's making me suffer.
Do you want to hear a something scary?
It is October and spooky things are allowed..
My esophagus may have blistering and strictures from so much purging. My stomach is strained and my throat is scratched up and inflamed from finger nails. My chest aches and my head hurts. My purge was difficult, almost impossible to bring back up.
Do you think I would learn my lesson and say no more for today. I've had it with you Mia!
The sick and scary part is I'm not going to stop. I feel warmed up now. I think I will most likely go at it a few more times today if not all weekend long.
I bet that fucking plateau will be gone this weekend. My lovelies, its not easy. I can be very determined when I want something. I always get what I want one way or another.
What I want now, to get past this hurdle and keep going until I like what I'm looking at. I sure hope I'll be well enough to finally enjoy it.
Weight for today 123..

Battle wounds