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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Weak

                                                                                               Mood:Dizzy
I'm real dizzy today, can't stay on my feet for more than a few minutes at a time. I have a parent/teacher's conference in the afternoon. I look tired from too little sleep last night, the bags under my eyes are a tell tale sign. I'm incredibly weak.
I've slept till noon after dropping my daughter off at school, the bed is both comforting and awful. My body aches after too much rest, I'm not used to so much sleep. My weight is still stuck at 123 today. I knew it wasn't going to budge. Today is day 9 of fasting.
I really don't want to leave the warmth of this bed. I feel very ugly today in every sense of the word. I don't really wear makeup, I'm an eyeliner and lip gloss only kinda girl. I wouldn't know the first thing about powders and foundations, or what skin hue I am, summer or winter? Now would be a good time to start learning if I'm to face the outside world. My ivory skin is too pale today, the rosy blush I always have from smiling has been seen less often these past two months. Nothing really makes me smile these days. I wonder if I can blush anymore at all?
Going to have to shower to wake up, I can't wait to let the burning water hit my cold skin. I feel so sleepy still. I'm too cold today, wonder if I can away with wearing a  black turtle neck and skinny jeans without getting looks from people on the street?
Spoke to my older brother last night while on the treadmill, worked out real late, I need to stop that. He wants to see me this weekend. I will cook him something really special, we're going to watch movies and catch up. I'm excited and really nervous to see him. The last time he saw me was when I was in the hospital, now I've lost much more weight. He knows about my Ed, but I'm just not sure how to explain what is happening to me? No one understands, so many things have happened to me, so many secrets I will take with me. All these little things chisel at me daily until I will physically look how I feel inside.
I don't want another lecture, its always the same. Eat something and you'll feel better, you gotta care about yourself, it will get better after you eat something. Eat, eat, eat!
Eating makes things get better? I don't think so. I'm very close to 90lbs, but then what maintain? I'm starting to think the idea of stopping is not going to be easy. I've been doing this too long, the idea of eating really bothers me. I'm glad that I've been able to fend Mia off for this long. The purging was starting to become a real problem, my body was starting to give me signs of trouble, stomach pains and chest strains. Some purges were even difficult to bring back up at all at times. So even if I wanted to b/p right now, the sheer fear of the not being able to be rid of it all is too much. Ana has embraced me now, I have to just find a way to coexist with her and make this work. Its not what I'm used to, but I find myself being perfectly at ease with it as more days go by. The hunger is non existent as is the thirst unfortunately.
I just took an OEP to help with energy and baked a potato in the microwave for protein since I don't have any shakes left in the house. Its the smallest potato I had, so I'm guessing 130 cals max. Plain loaded with pepper. I'm hoping to boost metabolism so I won't stay in starvation mode and keep losing.

Plain Baked Potato with pepper 130 cals

So after I've very slowly eaten the potato, I had to start getting ready for my meeting. Time for a scolding hot shower. Usually I'd bathe with ice cold water, as it helps to burn calories, but this past month the cold has penetrated my bones and I'm unable to. In the shower my stomach is in knots. The small potato digesting in my big gut is bothering me. I talk myself out of the purge and finish getting ready. I dress in warm clothes and we're off. After circling the school a few times to find an open parking space, I luck out and see one aways further than I'd like. The vertigo comes and goes but I keep walking as I have no other choice. I see the my daughter's bubbly teacher and she leads me and my husband inside for the meeting. My daughter's face falls a bit as she sees we are not going to the car but back inside the cold school. Inside the classroom we're made to sit in tiny blue plastic chairs. I'm nervous to hear whatever is about to be said. The teacher grabs my daughter's classwork and we start to sift through it all. My daughter's drawings are real depicting. They are pictures of our little family, cats included. The colors are vivid. Her writing has also gotten better, she colors in the lines now too.
The teacher says my daughter is one of the very small handful of students she enjoys talking to-during "talk time." Her vocabulary scores are at 93% one of the highest in the classroom. For all intents and purposes she is progressing fairly well. She is being tested again along with the rest of her class now at the end of this month, these scores are evaluated by the school to see if advancement is possible. I have the up most confidence she will do just fine.
Now the trouble seems to be my daughter has made a best friend. A boy named Christopher. They both chat during class and play with their pencils.
The teacher has to call their attention several times. The teacher would like to know about parenting techniques and if there is similar attention span troubles at home?
Here we go. Husband looks down at the little desk and I instantly know what he's thinking. I turn to the short, round teacher and explain my parenting, which is basically good guy, bad guy. I'm also the one in charge of her learning, pretty much everything that concerns her. Husband surprises me and speaks up. He admits that he thinks the problem is his non existent parenting, and the constant spoiling of her. Well lookey what we have here, a confession. So my neurotic ways are not to blame this time.
The teacher scolds him.
I have a new found respect for this teacher, she lectured him on how tough a mom's job really is and how it is just as important as a paying full time job. Nice! Womankind rejoice, I've found an advocate to my cause.
Maybe its the bags under my eyes that has her on my side. I wonder what she must think of meeting her students parents. In any case I'm doing a good job.
So Friday I will be heading off to the dollar tree and racking up on stickers and things for positive reinforcement to encourage my daughter's behavior at home and school.
Back at home and the discussion is on the table for change, better parenting.
Have to run out to the store, wanted to buy a tape measure, the store was all out so maybe Friday will be the day where I can get everything I need. Husband says he will give me some money so I can buy whatever it is I need. I'm planning on buying a lot of lax in addition to the shakes. Good thing he won't see how many I'm buying, don't wanna scare him. At the store my daughter is fussy and wants her way, daddy looks like he wants to cave, I keep giving him the evil eye. My daughter wants her way and in the car he promises her she will get something real soon. I get pissed. I remind him to back me up, I need that support otherwise I'm the witch as usual and he's the white knight. He agrees and retracts his previous statement to her. Now on the continued drive home I'm asked to lighten up, I tell him that this time the screw up is his not mines as he usually blames. "I never would blame you for anything." he says so innocently.
He only remembers what he wants. I sigh heavily and stare out the window defeated. Normally this would be triggering, but since fasting and not hearing Mia's calling, I don't feel like caving. I do feel like punishing myself, if I were a cutter this would be the thing to drive me to the blade. I'm depriving myself of sustenance, I don't know how much lower I can go?
So now I'm being poked in my ribs at an attempt to thaw out.
"I'm sorry, I'll try to parent differently. Just call me out if I mess up."
I ask my husband if he cares if I died suddenly?
You should see his face, he looked like he wanted to cry. His voice trembles as he reassures me that life without me will not be possible for anyone who has ever known and loved me. According to him I'm not dying anytime soon. All I can tell him is to help me out as only he can.
The life I'm living is an uncertain one, everyday I am a stroke, seizure or heart attack away from certain doom. The days go by and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with myself other than not eat.
I keep waiting for the great feeling you get when you look better and feel good about yourself. Its not happening. I don't want to be touched or photographed, I don't want to be seen even.
My neighbor who was out of town for a few weeks just came back and didn't recognize me at all. She said I looked 100x better than before, prettier even. I don't see what she sees. I get that a lot now, the looks and compliments. I can't even enjoy it. I look in the mirror and see no change whatsoever. It scares me because I won't be able to stop. It will never be enough for me.
Not jogging today my knee hurts, getting too knobby down there I think, looks like things are getting knocked about hence all the bruises. Baseball is dominating the TV tonight. The volume annoys me, I just really want quiet right now. When will the peace come?
Sleeping pills bother me, I don't like them at all. If the case where different I would gobble up some right now and sleep the rest of this day away. My brain hurts. I want to stop thinking for a few hours. I may try to sleep early.
I will try anyways.

2 comments:

Annie said...

this post took a little while to read. but it was worth it. sorry your 123 hasnt budged.
im glad you could keep a baked potato down. and im also glad your husband may be beginning to realize hes been playing the blame game. do you take vitamins? make try to take some vitamins to stop your knees from hurting, and to stop your skin from bruising so easily.

best of luck.

lou said...

@Annie, thanks for the support and yes I take vitamins..any suggestions of vitamins I could take for knee?