Friday, October 29, 2010


Its Friday finally.
Last night I tossed in turned in bed. Woke up at 5am and went to sit on the balcony and have a smoke.
I love the way 5am smells, the air is so crisp. Outside garbage trucks and school buses whiz by. The day has started for many, off to work and some just getting home. I go back inside and weigh 121.
Last night was brutal, I hate to feel so sad. Thank you lovely followers for all the uplifting comments, they made me feel better. Its nice to not feel alone, to know others go through similar struggles. Its not easy.
Today is the Fall festival, after the alarm goes off my daughter and husband wake out of their sound sleep to get ready. My husband works early this morning. He hands me a large bill and hopes it helps erase his mistake.
I take the money and sigh. This means I have to get change somewhere this morning. I already feel drained. I have a headache and bags under my eyes. My eyes are also puffy from all the crying. I look frightening.
My daughter is dressed in her Scooby Doo costume, and as I'm brushing her hair, I quiz her on the book report she has to present in class. She seems ready. I hope they accept the late money and she can join the pizza party.
We're off now and I have the large bill itching in my hand. I can go to a fast food drive through and order something to break it, or I could just go to the grocery store near her school and spend it wisely. I chose the latter of the two.
So I shop for today's dinner and grab things for a binge session too.
After the store the money is given and my daughter is in school. Now I'm driving home with a trunk full of groceries. Before I head home I remember there is one more stop I have to make. Since its Friday that means I don't have to get up early tomorrow. I can relax tonight, there is something I want to do.
I head to the little market for laxatives. This store has them the cheapest, sometimes I dread going in there, I get looks from a particular cashier. She eyes me up and down as I pretend to look away at something else or fidget with my car keys, I wonder what she thinks of the incredibly shrinking woman. Today though it will not stop me. I have plenty of money to buy what I need. On the shelf there are a few remaining, as I reach to grab one, the stock boy nearby tells me to grab what I need because the reorder for those won't get there until Thursday. I thank him and when he leaves I take them all.

I get home and unload the car and head inside. After I've tidied the house listening to 30 Seconds to Mars, I start to get the dinner ready. I'm making yellow rice and chicken. I put the chicken to boil, later I will have to spend a good amount of time shredding the entire chicken. In the meantime I binge and log on to yahoo messenger.
I decided to stop after one b/p. I have to pick up my daughter from school later and don't want to feel weak or anxious. I continue with dinner and even bake a cake in case my daughter missed out on the pizza party.

Finally its time to get my daughter and the dinner is on low and almost ready.
I drive and have no anxieties today, just in case I took a bottle of water with me. The school lets out and its costumes galore. My daughter is extra happy, and so is her teacher who loved both her costume and her book report.
Her behavior today Green, and green is good.
On the drive home she's very chatty, I suspect all the candy. She was allowed to join the pizza party after all, hooray!
Friday is turning out OK, minus the bulimia.
Now b/p session number two is a big one, I was online with my friend and put her on hold to purge. It was quite a mission to bring it all back up, I felt exhausted at some point. I had to sit and rest on the cool floor of the bathroom before I went at it again, finally seeing the marker courtesy of the chocolate cake, I knew I was done.
I took a long time, so long when I got back online my friend said, you took so long.
I had to laugh.
Last b/p was ice cream, had to make sure there were no stragglers. I was done for today and yet felt like I could keep going.
My husband phoned to tell me he was on his way home from work, good I thought, this should stop me.
I went ahead and worked out to kill the craving. It starts to rain really hard all of a sudden as I jump in the shower. I remembered the old wives tale of bathing while it rains. The lightning and thunder scared me into a pretty quick shower.
My body is settled and I go and have a final cigarette outside before I down the lax.

My mouth is dry and the headache will not let up. The strain on my left shoulder is back and screaming in distress. My knuckles hurt and are so red. I'm going to have to buy concealer tomorrow. I don't know the first thing about makeup, I'm a bit of a tomboy. I've never worn so much as foundation on my face in my entire life. Shopping for my skin color should be interesting, I'm very pale, the color of ivory. I don't know if Cover Girl comes in that hue?
In any event tonight is going to a be sleepless one for sure. The lax should have me up until 4am for sure.
I'm curious to see if the plateau will budge now, I know the dizziness will be back. I just wish this day would be over with already, I feel spent.
I think I'm going to lay down for a bit and see if the lax will get started already.
Night to you all.
Stay strong and thanks for reading. ღ


Lola said...

I'm going to flood you with links related to today's post, if that's alright :)

Last things first: make-up! An all-picture quick tutorial to extreme beauty:

On a more serious note, the amount of magnesium you are taking concerns me. The amount in the laxatives alone is worrisome. Each of those bottles has six times the daily maximum dose of magnesium for adults! And if your multivitamin or supplements have magnesium too...

"-Weakness, nausea and vomiting
-Impaired breathing
-heart arrhythmia"

I have zero medical training, but this sounds like it matches up with some of the hell you've been going through of late.

<3 just trying to look out for one of my favorite bloggers (and commentors!) <3

FantasyGirl said...

Stay strong, and I hope you have a good weekend. I'm glad your Friday was nice. :)

lou said...

@Lola thanks for the info, and the lax info too very imformative.

@FantasyGirl thank you, you both have an an awesome weekend please.

*Broken* said...

I´m glad your kid made it to the party =)
Those b/p sessions are so tiring...and I´m trying not to do that now...have a nice weekend sweetie =)

Anonymous said...

i love 5am too, though only when i've been up all night. i'm not into early morning wake ups
what's the old wives tale?

lou said...

@broken thanks you too.
@danae it goes if you shower during when its raining you'll get struck by lightning lol