Saturday, October 16, 2010

Bottom's Up!

Day five with Ana and I didn't cave.
I held on as long as I could, the dizziness continued throughout the day and so I made a choice to do something about it.
My blood sugar is low, what can I do about it then? No orange juice in the house, nothing that I could think of that could remedy this, I don't keep actual sugar in the house anymore, the irony!
Anyways had a glass of 1% LF chocolate milk, caloric intake for the day-158 calories. Oh shit here we go.
I don't do liquids but in this case I had no choice really, I had to put back what I've lost. I've been fighting all day to not eat, to not drink and I almost won.

Worked out and drank 32 ounces of water, now comes the problem. Weighed and of course it was up, I tried to talk myself out of a purge. I've only had liquid in me all day, I refused to purge this. Finally I just jumped in the shower to try to calm down, the water was turned on to scalding hot and I start to scrub the dead layers of skin away. My skin is bright pink and my scent is clean, yet still I tremble, I'm too cold today. Nothing is warming me up anymore. I sit on the tub floor and turn the hot water knob up as far as it will go, I hug my shrunken body tight and rock back and forth willing the cold to leave me. The superheated water falls on me like a rain and I take it all in. I'm completely consumed in the moment for I don't know how long? Long enough that the water starts to go cold, and the bathroom is a steamy sauna. I'm done now its time to get out. Lather, Rinse, repeat? No. Rinse and reweigh-still no change. This is the type of nonsense that makes me restrict any fluid, the fear, the paranoia. I'm taking another lax tonight to fix the damage I've possibly done. I know I will pay dearly for this tomorrow. The minute I cracked open that little cold glass bottle, after my first sip I just felt it deep down inside me that this a huge mistake. I fear that I may be bedridden Sunday. Huge mistake, too late to take back.

I getting addicted to them. The lax are bad news, big trouble. I'm playing with fire now. Mia and lax are not a good combination, but there is drive in me that doesn't care. So I keep going, pushing myself, dragging this morphed body to the finish line. If I can just get there already I keep telling myself..
I have to slow down with the lax at least, this will get me faster than Mia or Ana will. How to slow down?
How can you reason with the insatiable appetite, how can I make myself stop anything?
I'm all out for the moment, and maybe that's a start, if I'm good tomorrow then I still might have a chance. My kidneys feel tight tonight. I think the party is just getting started.

A laxative is any substance or medication that stimulates the body to release bowel movements. Laxative abuse is overuse of such substances, particularly stimulant drug based laxatives, for a variety of purposes. Some of the common reasons that people overuse laxatives, which for most people should only be taken occasionally as suggested by a doctor, is either because they are under the misguided impression this may cause weight loss, or because they suffer from bowel irregularity and believe they must have bowel movements each day. The former group is often made up of people who are struggling with eating disorders, and the latter is very frequently people who are older or who take medications (possibly abusing them) that create constipation.

Laxative Abuse: Myths and Medical Complications

MYTH: If you induce diarrhea with laxatives, you can prevent the absorption of food and avoid body weight gain.
FACT: Inducing diarrhea by laxatives does not significantly change the absorption of food in the body. Consequently, laxatives do not significantly prevent weight gain. What appears to be weight loss is actually dehydration or water deprivation. Laxatives work near the end of the bowel, where they primarily affect absorption of water and electrolytes (like sodium and potassium). They thus work after most of the nutrients from the food have been absorbed into the body.

MYTH: You need to use a laxative every time you feel constipated.
FACT: "Feeling" constipated does not necessarily mean that you are constipated. This is especially true of people who have problems with eating. Eating too little food or eating sporadically can result in the sensation of constipation. In this case the problem is not constipation but poor eating habits.

MYTH: When you actually are constipated, you need to use a laxative.
FACT: People who use excessive amounts of laxatives will eventually find the exact opposite happening—the laxatives will cause reflex constipation.

MYTH: All laxatives are alike.
FACT: There are many different types of laxatives that are taken by mouth or as a suppository. The ones most commonly used are:
Stimulant-type laxatives, including Ex-Lax®, Correctol®, Senokot®, Ducolax®, Feen-a Mint®, and some of the so-called herbal laxatives. Osmotic-type laxatives, including Milk of Magnesia®.
Bulk agents, including Metamucil®, Colace®, and unprocessed bran. Bulk agents promote bowel movement. When bulk agents are used as directed (with large amounts of water), they don't have the same physical effects on the bowel as the stimulant and osmotic laxatives. However, when these bulk agents are misused, they have the same psychological consequences as regular laxatives. Misusing these agents must be discontinued.

MYTH: Laxatives, particularly over-the-counter products, are safe.
FACT: Laxative abuse can be medically dangerous. Laxative abuse is defined as (1) use of laxative for weight control, or (2) frequent use of laxatives over an extended period of time.

Medical Complications of Laxative Abuse

The medical complications of laxative abuse depend on several factors, including the type of laxatives used, the amount used, and how long they have been used. Some of the more common complications of laxative abuse follow.
Constipation. Repeated use of laxatives actually causes constipation. This may lead people to increase the dosage of the amount of laxative, which in turn only worsens the constipation problem.
Dehydration. Laxatives cause fluid loss through the intestines. Dehydration then impairs body functioning.
Electrolyte abnormalities. Many people who abuse laxatives often demonstrate electrolyte imbalances. Electrolytes such as potassium, sodium, and chloride are important to life functions. With chronic diarrhea, electrolytes are drawn out of the body through the feces. This leads to an electrolyte imbalance in the body.
Edema. As noted before, laxatives cause fluid loss. Dramatic changes or fluctuations in fluid balance confuse the body's self-regulating protective mechanisms by retaining fluid. As a result, prolonged laxative abuse frequently leads to fluid retention or edema.
Bleeding. People who abuse laxatives, especially the stimulant-type laxatives, can develop blood in their stools. Chronic blood loss associated with laxative abuse can lead to anemia.
Impaired bowel function. People who abuse stimulant-type laxatives can develop permanent impairment of bowel function.


Lola said...

I developed (thankfully now reversed) heart problems from abusing senna and epsom salt flushing, two "natural" laxatives.

Now, I'm lucky if I have a "movement" two or three times a week.

I know it's an addiction like any other, but you should try to quit while you still can. You are too nice to lose :)

lou said...

@Lola thanks my lovely-aah its so hard to quit em, but I will try, thanks for the tip and the compliment!