Saturday, October 23, 2010

Keep it going

So predictable.
Weight 122lbs..
I knew the minute I went back to Mia I would overcome the plateau. I'm up now and the dreaded 123 is gone. I'm not happy, if anything I'm relieved, but happy? no.
I feel nothing really. Today I will have to continue the ritual, be a slave to it again. I can't stop now, have to keep pushing forward until 120 mark is reached. How can anyone be happy having to be bent over a bowl all day long?
I stare at myself in the mirror and I see no change, I can't even see my collarbone today, where did it go? I hate not being able to trust what is clearly visible in front of me. My eyes are lying to me. I rub my forehead in frustration. The sickness has got me good. The mental anguish of Ed is rooted in my cerebrum. The perception, imagination, thought, judgment, all of it is now short circuited for the illness. This is only going to get worse, its already started. Water, so harmless and pure scares me, I think it will make me gain and so I don't drink it, I really don't drink anything at all these days. Sips here and there but that is as far as I allow it most days. Not enough to rehydrate this thinning body. Now I'm starting to wonder if touching certain foods can make you absorb the fats. Can it seep into my skin?
Can the odor particles get in my airways and bloodstream too?
The mind is a powerful thing, it can kill you if you're not careful. Such dangerous thoughts at times, I fight them off as best I can. I brush my teeth and remind myself to breathe.
I fix my daughter her breakfast, she is very happy today. Cartoons and sugary cereal are going to get her going in a few. My husband sleeps soundly in the bed for now, the alarm will go off soon and he will get ready for work. I will have the house to myself early. I look forward to it. The dark room is so cold. I grab the sweater and tremble. My hands are whiter than usual and my bony fingers are like icicles. My skin feels extra dry, I'll have to keep with the lotion all day. My knee is still acting up, I can't imagine what's the matter now, maybe Motrin later for the pain. Back in the bathroom to fetch the usual concoction to keep me leveled. I take my supps, and water pills. I'm a little nervous today as I just remembered my brother's visit this weekend. I'm not sure if its today or Sunday? I hope its tomorrow, my husband will be off and that's one more person in the room to be distracting, to help keep the conversation flowing as lately I'm running out of things to say. I can't imagine anything I say being remotely interesting these days.
I'm surprised there are so many readers for this blog. I say thank you my lovelies for taking an interest in me. You can comment or ask me anything, please don't be shy.. ツ
I need to get the morning going, the craving has started.
I allow myself a protein shake for energy this morning, I drink this with the handful of colorful pills. I will need all the strength I can muster if I'm to deal with Mia this weekend.

Protein Shake (55 cals)
Now the time goes by and my husband is leaving. I really want to b/p but can't yet, I don't want to purge the supps. Have to be patient.
I took a lax last night, my chest stings a little this morning. I plan to take another one tonight. I was up till 4am back and forth in the darkness. I was not alone though. Had two faithful chaperons to keep an eye on me.

Look I've lost weight too!
I'm going to keep working on the website today, getting the site ready for curious eyes. Most Ed sites now are getting out of hand, so many girls thinking this life is a fad diet and getting caught up in the whirlwind of it. I want to change that, a friend and I have started a better site for Ed girls, one that will not only be for support but education as well. Going to be super productive today and keep it going.
You can preview "Hunger Interrupted" website which is still currently under construction. I'll try to work on it as much as I can this weekend. Please be advised that this is not an actual Pro Ana website, but a site for support for those battling an eating disorder.

Going to finish running some errands and then later try to squeeze a workout in if my knee allows it.
Enjoy the rest of Saturday my lovelies..