Friday, October 15, 2010

Day 4 with Ana

Weight 127.
The alarm went off this morning and I feel rested and rejuvenated.
Its breezy and gloomy outside, light showers here and there. I didn't take a lax last night, I decided to let my body take a rest from all I've been putting it through this week so far.
My back is sore today from yesterday's workout, inclined the treadmill to 10 the highest setting. I feel it now.
Well bought Calcium and B-12 vitamins yesterday at my favorite store ever the Vitamin Shoppe. The size of those Calcium pills are hysterical, they look like tiny space pods! I guess they're that big because they also have Magnesium and Vitamin D infused in there. My bathroom counter is looking like a shelf at the pharmacy itself, so many pills I take.

Caloric intake for today 140 calories, took my supps with pear juice today. I'm slowly introducing liquids back into my life. I'm getting close to my goal quicker than I calculated so If I want to be able to actually enjoy it when I get there, going to have start taking care of myself a little bit better. Today is day four and nothing edible in my system yet. Took two water pills to help with bloating from this period that I despise, can't wait to get to a weight where this thing will actually go away.
Today I will officially be alone again, all weekend actually. Husband is off to work and I'll be left to my own devices. Have no craving yet for any b/p sessions. I would've probably started paving the way for Mia already, but you know what, I don't feel like it?
Hmm maybe there is something to this after the third day thing, I don't feel anything? I feel full of energy, I'm up, not asleep right now and calm? Not triggered at all yet. I forgot what its like being up this early, its nice, the quiet and the cold from the room feel good.
I like the contours today from the exercises, seeing the difference in toning. Its important to switch up, my stomach is flatter and my waist is getting smaller.
The hard workouts are paying off.
I think today will be a good day, and I rarely think like that, have a DVR full of goodies and a house to myself. Leftovers in the fridge so I don't even have to cook today and I'm set. Been getting a bit of reading done actually..nice!
Books I've missed you. "High on Arrival" by Mackenzie Phillips has been keeping me entertained lately, there's loads of time when Mia's not on my mind.
Was reading another lovely book that had some interesting things it said about ED's..

I actually like her chapter on "Nutritional Supplementation and Eating Disorders" page 224-225..
Great read if you have the time.
My library is a sad little institution now, the librarians say there are more thefts of books now and thanks to that satanic invention known as KINDLE, reading actual paper books soon will be a thing of the past..
I don't want to live in a world where books will be obsolete. What will nerds like me do without libraries? I shutter to think a mall will be in my future.
On the way home from the library, returning books and seeing what else I can bring back to my burrow I received a compliment from an unexpected source, my legally bound spouse-he was staring at me again, been doing that for awhile now, I'll see him just looking at me. I get defensive of course and bark at him. What are you staring at?
"You're pretty, you're getting too skinny too.." he strokes my face and looks away.
It makes me sad.
He compliments strangers all the time, words like beautiful and intelligent. All I get is pretty, years and an eating disorder later.
You can keep your compliment. I cringe at his touch.
I don't want to be touched, especially my face, I don't like anyone touching my face. I recoil from affection, I have no need for it anymore. There is something cold in me that can never be warmed by anyone I think. A vacant space where the sun used to shine on me once, maybe there was even a happiness there too. All that is gone, all that's left is this shell, the foundation of where an actual person once inhabited. Remnants are visible now and again, but it takes a lot to pierce this ice queen.
I'm surprised and pleased that I've been able to resist the ritual of binge and purge, the first two days were the hardest for me. The ritual always made me feel better no matter how hard the day was, no matter how big the problem or how miserable I was. It was a way of dealing, having the power to do something when everything else felt like it was out of reach for me.
The first 24 hrs of not being able to do it though, felt awful, day two felt like withdrawl. I felt like a junkie, fiening for my drug of choice. My free will, my ability to be able to do so taken away.
Now on day four, the yearning for her, for Mia is dormant. The energy comes and goes, but my mindset stays the same. Me. I have to do this for me, if there is nothing else left at the end of the day, my willpower will stand. I am the only one who can stand in my way.
30, 20, 10, 5, 0lbs.. Goal?
I know what I want and how to get it. Yes everyday I'm spiraling more into this lifestyle, I'm getting lost in the sickness, it consumes me and governs me, but what doesn't do that to most of us anyways?
Relationships, crap jobs, family, illness, there is always something that is keeping us from our true potential. Isn't there something that you really want to be doing and know its in you to do so?
I want to be happy in some shape or form-
such a small statement with a big, powerful meaning.
What's in store for the rest of day?
Exercise and restaint, reading and time with the little one, sleep and extreme gratefulness that today I will be alone.