Ball and Chain

                                                                                              Mood:Scared
I need two aluminum trays for baking Turkeys in.
After I'm done bloggging and purging yet again, my husband wakes up very cheerfully.
I'm not in the smiling mood.
"Why do you want to fight?" he says utterly clueless.
Fight?
No I don't want to fight, I just want to finish (blogging).
He nods his head and merrily jumps out of bed. I read on and then he starts talking to me from the bathroom. I mention the aluminum pans.
"Let's go to the dollar store and buy it before I have to get ready and go to work later." he suggests all too quickly.
I agree.
We're now driving to the Family Dollar and I'm so cold. I should have brought a sweater. Inside the store the cold is no better.
I grab what I need and we comment on all of the Christmas Decor. In the checkout line he asks me if I have any money on me.
I don't work, any cash I do have is because he's given it to me. I save my money because it hardly comes across my path. I have a twenty stashed away.
I tell him no.
He pays for the items and we're off.
My family doesn't like my Husband. Whenever I speak to them I feel embarrassed. I'm now living with him again and if I had a tail it would be in between my legs. I should know better, he's no good for me. This man has made me suffer a lot. I've lost a lot because of him, more than you can imagine.
My conversations with my family are short and I'm always so distant, because of my husband and because of the ED.
My older brother wanted me to join him and his wife for Thanksgiving, he wants to cheer me up. I say I can't.
Number one because I have a turkey here and I plan to cook it and who knows maybe b/p will ensue.
Number two my husband. He will want to tag along or guilt me into not going.
My sister wanted me to go spend Thanksgiving with her and another brother of mines. I say no-same two reasons.
Today my husband asks me what did I talk about with them, I mention the invitations.
"So I'm holding you back?" he tries to sound sad.
Here we go..
The guilt trips.
The conversation starts to escalate, the insurance issue is brought up again.
I can't recall what else is said exactly as it all seemed to just snowball.
I think I said something about divorce and he flipped.
He starts to scream at the top of his lungs and bangs against the dashboard. He starts screaming to God something about what did he ever do wrong?
I'm driving in the middle of a busy street. He is flipping out.
He says he will kill himself, and he opens the car door and tries to jump out onto traffic.
I swerve and my heart is racing, everything gets muted around me and I can't believe this is my life?
I pull over at Walgreen's and he is crying in hysterics.
Now he's threatening to kill himself if we separate. I am crying and I can't believe the audacity.
He wants me to be with him by force.
I am scared of him. I really am.
I think he will snap one of these days and choke me. I believe this with every fiber in my being. If he can't have me no one will.
I plead with him to just let me go, he continues to tell me what an awful mother I am and how I will damage our daughter forever with this. I go inside Walgreen's because I need to get away from him, I'm really shakey suddenly and I need a Gatorade or Orange Juice. My heart is pounding and I feel dizzy.
When I come back out the fight is over, he says
"Fine we're gonna separate that's it!"
I drive home very slowly sipping on Tropicana orange juice.
I park the car and he storms upstairs, doors aren't held opened, he's throwing a tantrum, he's acting like a sociopath.
Now upstairs and I am lower, my mood is dirt. I'm so low I don't even hear Mia anymore. The other voices are present, the ones that say
 "Stay with him and just kill yourself. Plunge the knife into your neck for real this time, he wants you, he can have you just like that.."
I will die for sure if I stay in this marriage, either by my own hand or Mia and Ana will get me.
I feel like I'm going insane, like every one's happiness must come first but my own.
Now I'm blogging and he's showering and getting ready for work.
He comes out and he's apologizing for everything. I can't stop crying.
He's sorry, he's always sorry.
His mood is different, he's trying to be sincere. He's making coffee and watching TV and everything is right as rain.
I'm drained and have a headache.
The lesson is NEVER MARRY!!
This day just keeps getting better and better. I'm so triggered right now, I have no idea what I want to binge on, maybe more eggs?
I can't wait to pick up my daughter from school, I want to hear her voice and see what her teacher said about her project. I need to hear something else that's not related to things that are out of my hands.
I just need a little positivity right now, a little change even if its the numbers on the scale. I just want something to go my way for once.
I'm so tired, all I want to do is close my eyes and never open them again. I'm so lonely, I wish I knew what real love is, what that feels like. To really put someone else first and always want the best for them.
 I wish I could just really let all this anguish out, bottling it up and shoving it down inside is not helping, I'm running out of room.

"Hopeless"
Wang Ziwei